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What’s It Worth To You?

Have you ever seen a commercial, or even a television show, or movie that is so bad that you wonder if it was downright embarrassing for the actors to be a part of it?  I’m talking about something totally demeaning that if you did it, you actually wouldn’t want your friends or family to see it.  Like the great wrestler The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase, used to say, every one’s got a price.  Now I understand that if you are an actor just starting out in the business, you can be very anxious to get your hands on any work you possibly can.  Fine.  But at what point do you check you dignity at the door and say “Yes, dressing up in this asinine costume will definitely get me one step closer to being in that DeNiro movie that’s casting next month!!”  What is it worth to them?  I can justify making an ass of yourself in these commercials if you are getting millions of dollars, but I seriously doubt they are getting paid millions.  Now, in case I’m not making myself entirely clear on the subject I’m writing about today, I am going to show some photo references to prove my point.  I’m sure all of you can name about 20 commercials/movies/shows that are an example of what I mean, but I am using about 3 different commercials in today’s post.  Let’s start with Asshole #1,

Asshole #1

shall we?  Asshole #1 is the guy to the left in the suit.  He is in the Aamco commercial where people go into Aamco and make physical noises to describe various problems with their vehicle.  Very obnoxious commercial.  Asshole #1 is shaking like a tourettes victim in this scene.   Unfortunately the picture can’t do that shaking justice.  But trust me, if you haven’t seen it, he looks like a jerk.  But hey, maybe he’s proud of this, who knows.  Let’s move on to Asshole #2.

Now we’re getting to the good stuff.  Take a good long look at Asshole #2.  Really look at her.  Mouth wide open, eyes rolled in the back of her head, she looks like she just took a Mike Tyson uppercut.  In this scene of the same Aamco commercial, she’s shaking her head like a crazy person.  She’s shaking her head so violently that she looks like a crack head who’s having a seizure.  She makes Asshole #1 look like he was standing still.  So what could she possibly been paid in this commercial to make it worth it to her?  How much money would it take for you reading this to do that and have it broadcast on national television?

Asshole #2

Moving right along to Asshole #3.  Asshole #3 is in the same commercial, as you can tell from the Aamco log in the background.  I understand that this bitch is flat out hideous, but that has nothing to do with the fact that she’s making a face to make herself look like a complete idiot.  She looks like she’s sneezing & smelling shit at the same time, if that’s even possible.  Is she really going to use this commercial on her resume? Honestly?!?!  And I think we all know she’s not going to get cast anytime soon due to her good looks.

Asshole #3

Asshole #4…fairly normal looking guy.  A bit nerdy.  Did the director say to him at the filming “Act like you’ve been walking in Siberia for all of January in a T-Shirt”?  Much like Asshole #2, this geek looks like he’s suffering from a seizure.  Good luck on that next casting call buddy, you’ll need it.  I’ve picked on that

Asshole #4

Aamco commercial enough, let’s look at a few others.

On to Asshole #5.  You may, or may not recognize Asshole #5 from the Jimmy Dean commercial.  Take a look at this guy.  I mean REALLY take a good, long look at him.  He’s dressed as a stopwatch & he’s representing the fatigue of some kid who’s trying to sprint or whatever in the commercial.  He keeps yelling at the kid “Sloooooooooooowwwwwwwwww Doooooooooooowwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn” over & over again in a real long, drawn out voice.  This guy has zero self respect. None.  Look at that costume!  This guy couldn’t look like a bigger asshole if he tried. Now, when he attends some sort of social gathering with his friends (if he even has any), and that commercial happens to come on the TV, do you think he’s like “Everyone! Quiet! My Jimmy Dean commercial is on!!” Hell no!! You want to know what else has slowed down?  This asshole’s acting career, that’s what!!  I dare anyone reading this right now…. anyone…. to find one other acting role this jackass has been in.  I’m sure you can’t. In fact, I bet this blog is the most exposure that jackass has ever known.

Asshole #5 "Sloooooow Dooooown"

And finally, Asshole #6. Mi Jefe!!!  This clown was in arguably the catchiest and best commercial in the past few years.  You still remember the girls singing “877-393-four, four, four, EIGHT!!!!”  It had the dude that looked like Pitbull, wearing a fedora, singing/rapping or whatever.  This commercial was brilliant.  It was for the Optimum Triple Play.  Well, as you can see, this dipshit is supposed to be some sort of sea monster.  He’s also making some weird hand gestures to pick up a phone and call.  Now, I don’t care what they paid this guy.  It can’t be enough.  Would a Million dollars cover this idiots embarrassment?  Maybe.  But you & I both know he didn’t get a million to be in that commercial dressed like a jerk.  My only hope for his sake is that he was paid enough to flee out of this country, and away from all ridicule, back to his homeland where that commercial would never be mentioned to anyone.  I almost feel sorry for Mi Jefe. Almost.

Asshole #6 - Mi Jefe!!!!

Tall & Angry: The Origin….

Everyone loves a great origin story.  Origin movies such as X-Men Origins, Batman Begins, and Star Wars Episode 1 dominate the box office.  The comic book industry has used the origin story for years as a way of pushing the character development to the public.  At times they have even revamped and retold origin stories in the comics.  That being said, today’s blog is an origin story of sorts…..but, by no means is it a great origin story.  One of the most common questions I am asked when meeting people for the first time is usually “Why are you called Tall & Angry?”.  Now, I’d love nothing more to tell these people some sort of crazy story like I was bitten by some sort of radioactive mosquito that gave me the super power to grow extremely Tall & increasingly Angry when people aggravate me, but that would be a lie.  How great would the story be if I said “well, every time some idiot pisses me off, I grow to about 9 feet tall and pummel them into a steaming pile of crap”?  But unfortunately, the true origin of Tall & Angry is not nearly as entertaining.  Some years back, I was on vacation with friends in Las Vegas.  To be honest, I’ve been there so many times, with so many different people, and consumed so much booze, that the year this happened escapes me.  I’m sure this particular night had started with about 7 hours of drinking, as most of my nights there did.  What I remember is we decided to go to this club called “Baby’s” in the Hard Rock Casino.  At this time, it was getting a bit late, so a line had formed for the club.  So my friends & I get in this line and are standing there for a long time, long enough that we are sending runners to get drinks.  Then the line finally starts moving.  Slowly.  And eventually when we arrive at the front of that line, we see another line in front of us.  While my frustration is building, I figure that the end of the line must be close, so I continue to wait as more runners continue to get booze.  Once again, we make it to the front of the line.  But what’s waiting for us at the front of the line?  Another line!!!  So, in frustration, I yell out loud to no one in particular, even though everyone nearby can clearly hear me, “This is bullshit, how many lines are there?!?!”  Now, I’m a bit tall, but nothing out of the ordinary.  Maybe that particular night I was standing up straight, maybe I was surrounded by midgets, who knows.  But something prompted  my friend Big Matty Smallz to say “Steve’s tall & angry.”  It got a chuckle from the group of us and for whatever reason the name just stuck.  So that’s it.  The origin story of how I got my nickname.  Hey, I warned you.  I said this wasn’t going to be a good story.  That being said, in true T n’ A fashion, I can’t just write a blog without going on some kind of rant.  So how about that stupid pig in those Geico commercials that’s always yelling “WWWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” over & over again?

One of the most annoying things on television.

I hate that stupid pig.  If I ever got my hands on him I’d punt his ass into the horizon.  Remember Pigs In Space from the Muppet Show?  Well, they could add a new pig to their list cause I’d punt that bitch so far he’d reach space.  What an annoying piece of garbage that thing is.  And the worst part is that they keep using him too.  Instead of going all over the place yelling “Wwweeeeeeee” he should be rotisserie grilled on my dining room table with an apple in his mouth!!  And to the advertising agency or production company responsible for making those commercials, if I ever meet you, I will punch you in the face.

If I Were President Vol. 5 – An End To The Cupcake Trend!

One thing I love is cake.  It’s the one non-healthy food I will always have a soft spot for.  I actually get excited at work when I learn it’s a co-workers birthday knowing that someone will have a cake for them.  It’s a pleasant surprise to a mundane workday.  Now if there’s something I’m not a fan of, it’s trends in the world of food.  It seems there’s always a pack of idiots somewhere who think they have some really great idea of bringing some sort of mediocre, forgotten about food back into the public eye.  And naturally, they have to have some sort of gimmick added to it for sales appeal.  A few years ago cupcakes became the latest food trend.  And this one caught on.  It seemed bakery’s that specialized in cupcakes started sprouting up all over.  You even have cupcake trucks in NYC that drive around selling cupcakes out of them like a mobile bakery or a twist on an ice cream truck.  I’ve even heard of them having them at weddings now.  If that doesn’t scream out of some pathetic attempt at being “trendy” I don’t know what does.

Now I have my own theory on why this dopey phenomenon has caught on. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong. Somewhere there were some overweight people who loved their cake and didn’t want to give it up, or learn self control in consuming it in moderation.  So they thought “Let’s cash in on cupcakes! You used to only see them at kids parties, but we’ll make them cool for grown ups!”  Of course, if they are made small, and you inhale 3 cupcakes, you’re kind of defeating the purpose of the whole “smaller portion” thing.  But they usually make them so damn big, and loaded with twice as much icing, that these morons didn’t realize that they weren’t saving themselves any calories in comparison to a normal piece of cake!!  And they’re too stupid to realize how hard it is to eat a cupcake.  When these things are about 4″ high and have another 3″ of icing on top of that, how the hell are you supposed to eat that without a plate and a fork?  You look like an asshole trying to wolf the thing into your mouth, it breaks apart everywhere so you lose half of the cake part, then you get all kinds of icing all over your face and hands.  They’re messier than jelly doughnuts.  You ever see that happen with a piece of cake that you eat with a fork in a plate like a civilized human being? NO!!  Someone please tell me how that’s enjoyable!  So, if I was President, you bet your ass I’d put a ban on cupcakes.  I’d shut down all those specialty cupcake bakeries, and I’d let the air out of the tires of that dopey bitches cupcake truck in NYC.  I’d put an end to that awful trend doing the country a favor.  Of course as you read this, there’s probably some stupid hipster somewhere buying a truck to convert into a fondue mobile.

The Baseball Fans Fight Back!!

Well, well. It seems my little baseball article has struck a nerve!  I had a feeling it would, as I had stated this has been an ongoing debate over the years that most hardcore baseball fans refuse to budge on. This particular disgruntled baseball fan has personally  requested my response to his comments directed towards me.  So without further ado, here are the comments made by said baseball fan:

Back With a Vengeance…..

First & foremost I’d like to state that I know it’s been awhile.  Way too long.  I am sure some of you reading this have drawn your own conclusion as to why I haven’t posted in so long. Rather then dwell on that, I can only say that I hope to be posting back on here more often.  That being said, let’s dive into today’s blog.  I find it appropriate to write about baseball since the World Series is now upon us.  What I’d like to talk about is an old, ongoing debate discussing if  baseball players are athletes or not.  I do not consider Major League Baseball players to be Professional Athletes.  The whole idea of that to me is a joke.  I’m not saying all MLB players aren’t athletic, some actually are very athletic, but it is not required to be athletic to succeed in the MLB.   They are, however, very talented people.  There is a special, God-Given talent needed to throw a ball at 90MPH or be able to hit that ball thrown at 90MPH.   My argument supporting that theory is Michael Jordan.  When Jordan quit basketball and decided to play for the White Sox, he was arguably the most athletic guy in professional sports.  And he sucked as a baseball player.  HOWEVER……let’s take a long look at some of these fat-asses who are “professional athletes” that have played in the MLB, shall we?  Let’s start with David Wells.  Very talented Pitcher, right?  Pitched a perfect game for the Yankees in 1998.  You know how hard that is to do?  He had later admitted to being hungover and still 1/2 drunk while pitching that no-hitter.  So, if he’s a professional athlete, wouldn’t he get dehydrated from being hungover while doing all the rigorous physical activity of baseball?  Oh wait, he just stands there and throws a ball using his TALENTS to achieve a no-hitter.  Just look at the picture of him.  Look at that beer-gut!!!  That’s an athlete?!?!

But that’s not the only example.  How about Bengie Molina?  Look at the picture of this sloppy bastard rounding the bases with grace.  What do you think is higher? His batting average or his cholesterol level?  Sickening.

Bengie Molina waddling around the bases.

And let’s not stop there.  How about Yankee pitcher C.C. Sabathia?  Great pitcher.  Men’s Health actually wrote how he took initiative and dropped 30 pounds before this past season started.  They stated that he gave up his diet of Snickers and junk food.  Sounds like the diet of an athlete, right?  I think if he had to sprint from the pitching mound to home plate, he’d have a heart attack.

Now let’s think about all this for a second.  MLB plays, by FAR, the longest season of all professional sports. They play what, about 300 games a year during what seems about 9 of the 12 months.  OK, seriously, in reality they play 162 games in regular season.  Not counting playoffs.  So, that being said, if baseball required such “athletic ability” to play, wouldn’t all these fat, sons-of-bitches burn tons of calories and be thin and athletic like all other pro athletes?  And here’s another fun fact for you…..if you can munch on Sunflower seeds or dip chewing tobacco during the game you are playing, YOU ARE NOT AN ATHLETE!!!!!!  So, I don’t expect everyone to agree with me on this, but frankly I could care less.  I’m just glad that very soon I won’t have to see any baseball on television.  At least for about 2 months until they start with their Spring Training bullshit.  And all these so-called athletes can begin their off season regime of consuming beer and junk food.  Assholes.

Look at the size of that gut!!!

Looking real athletic with that Beer Gut!!!

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands…..

As some of you may recall from my previous post: http://tallandangry.com/?p=70

I’m not a fan of Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet.  As I had stated, if I was president, I’d confiscate and destroy all copies of this horrendous, played out piece of crap and do the world a favor.  I’d be looked at as a hero.  Well….I’ve officially decided to take matters into my own hands.  That’s right Bon Jovi fans, take this blog as a warning that your copies of Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet are no longer safe.  I have a series of photos here to show you exactly what you are all in for if I get my hands on your copies of the album. No longer will you Giants loving, Sopranos watching douchebags be able to blast this in your car acting like this is the soundtrack to your life.  No longer will you be jumping around at the clubs singing along with “Living on a Prayer”….not on my watch. So there you have it.  Consider yourself warned Bon Jovi fans.  I’m coming for your albums and my bladder is full!

Photos courtesy of staff photographer Chris Boscia.

Look what I've got.....

Will the hammer be enough?

....or maybe Hooch's sledgehammer is better!!

smash......

SMASH!!

Doesn't look very Slippery When Wet to me. At least I'm relieved!

The First Top 5 of 2011!

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted a new blog and for that I apologize.  Hopefully I’ll make up for the lack of updates with an all new top 5 for 2011!  Let’s get right to it.  The Top 5 Selection Committee (Me) is always open to suggestions, and that is exactly how #5 was brought to my attention.  Tallandangry photographic contributor Chris Boscia suggested adding Velvet Sky to the Top 5. After seeing some pics of her I can’t say I blame him.  Apparently she’s some wrestling chick.  I don’t watch wrestling cause I’m not 13 and I don’t enjoy watching oiled up men in Speedos molest each other.  But chicks like this can make a strong case to start tuning in!!

On to #4, Vanessa Marcil.  A longtime favorite of mine, she might be hard to bump from the Top 5.

Next up is #3, Jordana Brewster.  Well, the streak is over.  She’s dropped from #1 to #3.  Why?  Mainly because she hasn’t done too much new stuff in a long time.  So Jordana, if you are reading this, you may want to get back in the spotlight so you can claim your #1 spot back!

Now we have an interesting turn of events for #2. #2 is non other than Maria Menounos.  Obviously Maria was paying attention to my previous Top 5 blog where she was nominated as a “Sleeper”.  So naturally, she said to herself “What do I have to do in order to propel myself into the Top 5? I know! I’ll go to the beach and let the paparazzi take photos of me as my bathing suit mysteriously slips to the side exposing my cooter!!”  That’s what I call dedication! And I also call that Number two!

#2 Maria Menounos

And now for our new #1…..Minka Kelly.  No explanation needed.  Just flat out hot.  She takes the title.  Derek Jeter, I hate you.

New #1 Minka Kelly

#3 Jordana Brewster

#4 Vanessa Marcil

#5 Velvet Sky

Now for our next section, instead of “Sleepers”, I want to do a special section titled “Welcome Back to the Game”  for some nice chicks who came to their senses and dumped their losers making themselves available again.  First, Vanessa Hudgens.  She broke up with whatever geek she was dating so that’s got to be good, right?

Next up let’s give a warm welcome to Mila Kunis.  What the hell was this broad thinking?!?  She was with that Home Alone dork for what?  Like 10 years?!?!  I have more respect for Brian Austin Green pulling Megan Fox than this turd pulling Mila Kunis.  How the hell did it take her this long to wake up and say “What the hell am I doing with this loser?  He’s Home Alone for Christ’s sake!!”

Next up is the always impressive Scarlet Johansson!  Somewhere right now as you are reading this Ryan Reynolds is behind closed doors crying.  Could you blame him if he was?

Welcome Back Scarlet Johansson!

And finally let’s welcome back Shakira!!!  She was engaged to some dude from Argentina, I don’t know his name and who the hell cares anyway, but now she’s back on the market!!!!

Welcome Back Shakira!!!

So there you have it! That is the latest installment of the Top 5! Until next time……

Wlcome Back Mila Kunis!

Welcome Back Vanessa Hudgens!

Why Christmas Commercials are awful this year…A Merry Christmas Blog

Most years Christmas commercials are pretty annoying, but this year seems to have outdone all years previous.  Either that or I’m becoming even less patient if that’s possible.  But seriously, how awful have the holiday themed commercials been this year?  First you have Hyndai with their dopey hipster musicians.

Stupid Hipsters

It looks like Hyndai’s marketing department found these two dirtbags in the gutter somewhere in Williamsburg and thew them into their commercial.  And could that ugly ass chick be more emotionless?

Then you have Verizon doing their “mashups” of Christmas songs with old hit songs.  Jingle Bells mixed with Madness “Our House”, Deck the Halls with Young MC’s “Bust a Move”…and so on…..

Stupid Mashup

Who had this brilliant idea?  I’m sorry but the whole mashup thing is by far the worst thing to hit the music industry in years.  The only thing that may be worse in the music world is dubstep, but I don’t want to get off track.

But even worse than those are the typical car commercials.  I mean the one’s where the car magically ends up in  the driveway with a red bow on it and the guy has no idea he was getting a car and no idea how it got there….this is a perfect example:

Stupid Car Commercial with the Red Bow

Are you kidding me with this crap?!?!  I seriously don’t know what’s worse with this commercial…the fact that the kid is using giant scissors to cut the gift wrap or that fake “surprised” look on that nerds face when they show him the car.  How would anyone pull that off?  Your going to have a car brought to your driveway, with a bow on it, and then gift wrap a box that is split in half and big enough to cover the car….A CAR….all while the guy doesn’t know or find out!?!?!  Is this guy blind and deaf?!?!  If so he sure as hell shouldn’t be driving a car!!!!!

So, now you all know how I feel about the commercials during the Holiday season.  Let’s hope somewhere out there a marketing firm is reading this and taking notes for next year.  And if so, I am available to work on your creative team!! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!!

If I Were President Vol. 4 – Musicals & Why They Suck

Being someone involved in the  art field I consider artists (people who draw, like myself) writers, actors, and dancers (all forms except Go-Go)  all artists.  And I have even more respect for those involved in musical theatre, those people have to sing, dance & act all in one performance.  HOWEVER…..there is no need to tell a story through song.  There’s no reason when someone asks a simple question like “How was your day?” to bust out a 7 minute song about why your day stunk. Jumping around the stage like an idiot being overly-dramatic over a simple question that could have been answered in 2 seconds with a single sentence.   And musicals immediately make anything the story is about gayer.  For example, take West Side Story….only something like a musical can take something like gang war and find a way to nerd it up.  Are you really going to be shitting your pants when you see the Sharks coming at you with their “Jazz Hands”?

Seriously, look at these Nerds:

Deadly Jazz Hands of Death?

Are they supposed to be scary?  I don’t care if these geeks know Judo, they’re not beating up anybody.  Look at them!! That one guy is wearing a purple shirt for Christ’s sake!!  That’s not a “gang”!!  If I strolled into the wrong side of town and saw these idiots dancing at me and singing about how I don’t belong there I think I’d laugh in their face.

Now when I think of a gang I picture something that looks more like this:

A more realistic looking "gang"

So you see what I mean about how Musicals automatically make anything worse?   As I mentioned before, I have a ton of respect for those who act in musical theatre. My point is that musicals are not manly in any way.  And I really hate them.  So, if I was President, you bet your ass I would ban musicals.  As I stated earlier, you have a story to tell?  Act it out in a play, not in a song while you are dancing, prancing and wailing around with “jazz hands” on the stage.

A short story about pick-up Basketball…

I’ve played basketball for years and continue to do so to this day.  If there is one thing I’ve seen a thousand times, it’s this one stereotype I’m about to describe.  In many pick up games (games that are for fun & are not in a league that are timed with referees and fouls) there is one particular guy that seems to show up.  He’s usually about 45-50 years old, looks incredibly un-athletic and like he got dressed in the dark.  This has to be a diabolical scheme by these guys to get an advantage over the younger, more athletic players.  Like I said, I’ve seen this kind of guy show up a million times, but I’m going to describe the most recent time this happened.  This guy comes in the gym, probably about 50 years old, wearing these shorts that are more like bologna squeezer hot pants.  They went to mid-thigh at the LONGEST.  He’s wearing a Chicago Bears T-Shirt that looks like he bought it in ’85 when they won the Super Bowl.  That T-Shirt is tucked into the Hot Pants.

Hot Pants!!!

He’s wearing old ass Tennis shoes, not even basketball sneakers.  Now here’s my theory on why this is some sort of diabolical scheme by old guys to gain an advantage….No one wants to guard this guy.  Anyone stuck guarding this guy automatically thinks he sucks and lays off of him to double other guys.  BIGGEST mistake you can make.  This oddly dressed evil genius has a deadly outside shot.  So he hits one shot. You think “Big deal.  Lucky shot.” and continue to lay off him & double team others.  Next thing you know, you & your team are on the bench calling “next” cause you lost and the chump and his team mates are still on the courts since they won.  He hit 4 or 5 more shots in that game including the game winner and ends up being their “go-to guy” since he was wide open all game.  Now I think these guys know this and completely play up to this.  I think they sit home and say “I’m old & slow, but I can still shoot.  How can I be able to be wide open all night on every shot I take?”  And there you have it.  So if you are in your mid-forties or up and still long to play hoops, flush your pride & self respect down the toilet, get yourself some tight ass short shorts, tuck in your T Shirt and you too can still be King of the Courts!

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